Ryuk's Revenge
by The iPod Addict
Summary: Crackfic! Ryuk wants an apple and he wants it NOW. Too bad Light gives it to him a second too late. With his name written in a special notebook, Light is now controlled to entertain Ryuk until the day he dies. Which won't be very long from now...
1. Apples, Cakes, and Tampons

_**A/N: **__What happens when Light denies Ryuk an apple? This, apparently.  
__**Warning:** Lots of OOC in this. Cursing. Character deaths. Also, this story is Au-ish, or alternate universe-ish, for those who don't know. That basically means things happen along the original plotline but there are many tweaks. I.e.: Most characters are in this story, including Teru, who comes in at the end. Oh and the story begins in Light's room soon after the cameras were taken out. Um, yeah. Let's pretend that makes sense, okay?  
__**Disclaimer:** I... *Breathes* I... *Shuts eyes* _'I can do this...' _Idon'townDeathNote! *Sobs and clutches L plushie*_

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**Third Person POV**

"Light?"

"What, Ryuk?" Light asked. He was at his desk studying for a big test and needed to concentrate, which, of course, called for silence.

"I want an apple!" Ryuk whined, laying on Light's bed. Light sighed. '_This shinigami could be so annoying!'_

"Not now, Ryuk. I'm studying. Besides, Mum didn't buy any." Light said, turning toward Ryuk in his chair with wheels. As he spun, he went a little to far. He pushed back against his desk, forcing him the other way. He pushed against the desk again, spinning in a complete circle this time.

"Heh, this is kinda fun."

Ryuk just sat there, glaring at the teen. Here he was, starving, and his 'human pet' wouldn't get him a single apple! After he gave him the death note!

Light continued spinning in his chair, giggling like a little school girl, when Sayu came in his room.

"Light! Can you help me with my homework?" She looked up to see her older brother spinning in a chair, exclaiming, "Wee!"

"Sayu! Come here! You have to try this!" he said, bringing Sayu to the desk and sitting her down on the chair. He gave the chair a good spin, sending her in circles.

"Hey, this _is _fun!" She threw her arms up, laughing.

Ryuk stared at them. '_Humans are so interesting... And odd. Very odd.'_

If only L could see them now, Light spinning his little sister on a chair. This was sure proof that Light was Kira and L could finally bring him to justice. Unfortunately, he took out the cameras. Guess L will catch them in the next chapter...

"Light! I want some apples!" Ryuk said in a whining tone.

Light, completely forgetting Sayu couldn't hear Ryuk, answered, "Not now! I'm spinning with my little sister!"

Sayu was too dizzy to notice that her brother just spoke to himself. Ryuk groaned, leaving the room through the window, flying of course. _'Fine! You don't want to give me apples? Well, let's see what happens!' _Ryuk thought, sitting on the roof of the house.

He pulled out his special notebook, flipping to a random page. He began to write Light's name with a bunch of details. _'This will be enough entertainment for now, seeing as he'll die after this.' _As soon as he finished, he went back in Light's room. Sayu left, Light spinning alone in his room.

"Here's an apple, Ryuk." said the dizzy teen. He threw it towards the wall.

Ryuk dived after the apple, eating it quickly. _'Ah. So juicy! Uh-oh. Light's going to be pretty pissed when I show him his name in my notebook.' _He began to laugh cruely "Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk."

"What's so funny?" asked Light, still spinning. The creepy-looking creature took out his notebook, showing Light his name. Light stopped midspin.

"What did you do!" he screamed, not caring if anyone heard him.

"You wouldn't give me an apple!"

Light grabbed the book, reading what was written after his name, though not all of it. He didn't have enough time before Ryuk grabbed the book back. The teen's eyes widened.

"Sorry, Light. You should have gave me that apple earlier." And so, forty seconds passed. Ryuk began to follow him, completely amused just by imagining what was about to happen.

Light began walking down the street to the hotel L was at. Once reaching the suite, he knocked on the door.

"Light? Oh, come in," Watari said, caught of guard by Light's sudden appearance. Light strolled in, spotting L on the couch. The rest of the task force was present as well.

Light ran up to L, kneeling in front of the chair he was perched on. He hugged L, who was completely shocked. Light began to sob into L's chest.

"I am so sorry! I'm sorry, L! I'm just so sorry!" Light kept repeating, getting confused looks from the people around him. Not that he could see them. His head was buried in L's chest.

"For what, Light-kun?" asked the detective. For once, L was actually confused as to what was happening.

"I ate the last cake!" Light yelled. L's eyes then grew ten times in size. He made the cutest puppy-dog face in the world, tilting his head slightly.

"The cake is a lie?" he asked in the most adorable voice in the world, his eyes shining.

Watari walked in, looking down. "I am sorry, L. I have failed you. We ran out of cake. I was just going to get some when Light came in."

Aizawa stood up, angry as usual. He grabbed the closest thing to him and threw it at Watari, except he missed. His afro got in front of his eyes and blocked his aim.

"How dare you not have cake!" At that moment, he realized he didn't throw a _thing_.

He threw Mogi.

Mogi stood up, holding his back. The thrown task force member just glared at the window. "That window is open and I am cold. Evil window," he mumbled, obviously not caring that he was just thrown.

Just then, Misa came in through the door. She had a CD player with her, which she turned on. She put it down and then both her and Matsuda started to dance the 'Caramelldansen Dance.'

Mr. Yagami got a nosebleed. From Matsuda. He dashed into the bathroom, sticking tampons in his nose. He didn't bother to ask why L had them in the first place.

L was sobbing into Light's shoulder, mourning for his cake when all of a sudden, Light stood up and walked over to Ide. He pulled his arm back and bitch-slapped him.

"What the Hell was that for!" Ide screamed, clutching his cheek.

"You cheated on me with Misa!" Light yelled. Ide blushed. He thought he hid the fact that he liked Light pretty damn well. Apparently not, Ide. Apparently not.

Misa, enraged, walked over to Light.

"What is that supposed to mean! Are you implying that Misa likes Ide?" she screeched.

"Yes I am, you slut!" Light said in the most girly voice you could imagine.

Ukita walked up to Light and Misa, looking mad. "Misa is not a slut, Light! She is not a damn slu-" He fell over laughing. "I'm sorry, Misa. It was just too big of a lie for me to be so serious. Haha haha ha!"

Misa grabbed a lit candle and held it in front of her.

"Ha! I have a weapon! Fire! Now take back what you said, Light!" She screamed, holding the glade scented candle to Light's face. He looked terrified upon the object in front of him. That candle could burn his beautiful face! _**(A/N:** Psh. Light can't pull that off, only Mello can.**)**_

The window Mogi now throwing shoes at let it a gust of air, blowing out Misa's 'weapon,' as she called it; she broke down crying.

Smiling in relief, Light strode out of the room, swinging his hips back and forth. Stopping in the doorway, he turned around and observed the hotel room.

L was mourning for his cake. Watari was acting like a child waiting to be yelled at. Mogi switched to throwing water bottles at the window. Soichiro just walked out of the bathroom with tampons up his nose. He then joined Matsuda dancing.

Too bad they weren't any good.

Ide was stunned on the couch, still holding his cheek and possibly fantsizing about Light. Aizawa was singing the song 'Like a Virgin' by Madonna, swaying back and forth. Ukita was laughing on the floor. Misa was crying, clutching her dear candle. Ryuk was laughing. Everything seemed normal.

...

For the most part, anyway.

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_**A/N: **How'd ya like it? Let me know in a review, please! I want to know if I did good! ^-^  
__**Little Bit of Info:** Soichiro is Mr. Yagami. Sorry if it's confusing.  
__**Review** if you thought this was funny or you hated it or you want to yell and flame me or if you want more or it you have any ideas I can use or your just going to yell at me to hurry up and update. In other words, no matter what, review! Please? Reviews to me are strawberries to L. You wouldn't want to see L all sad because he has no strawberries, would you?_


	2. Welcome to the Kira Convention!

_**A/N: **__Chapter 2! Yay! Read on! I don't want to stop you! ^-^  
__**Disclaimer:** I own Death Note... *Sighs* not..._

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**Third Person POV**

The next stage of Light's death kicked in as he left the hotel. He walked down the streets, not knowing where to. He found out he was at a Kira gathering. Teru Mikami, Higuchi, Misa (Who stopped crying and came here), Takada, and now Light were all there. Rem and Ryuk came, too, just for the lulz.

"Hello, Kira 1!" They all yelled in unison. Light waved shyly.

"Hi," he replied. They all gasped in shock.

"Aren't you going to individually say hi to us?" Misa said. She starting getting mad. "What! Are we other Kiras _'_not enough to each have our own 'hi?!'" she screamed.

"Hi, Kira 2, Kira 3, Kira 4, and Kira 5." They smiled, as if all in the world was good again. (Kira 1- Light. Kira 2- Misa. Kira 3- Higuchi. Kira 4- Mikami. Kira 5- Takada.)

Kira 2 (Misa) smiled, telling Light to sit next to her. Takada started to argue, saying Misa was too stupid for Light.

"Misa Misa is not stupid! Takada is the whore!" Misa yelled.

"What did you just call me, bitch!?" Takada shouted back, getting up and completely ignoring the personal bubble rule. Misa followed suit. She wasn't the second Kira for nothing, you know.

Higuchi thought one thing: _'Bitch fight.'_ He leaned back in his chair and watched the two, all the while trying to look cool. He failed, though, when his chair tipped back. He quickly jumped up and righted himself, pretending all of that didn't happen.

"Takada heard Misa!" Misa said. Just then, both Takada and Misa got out their Death Notes and wrote each other's name down. Forty seconds later, they both died, which was a big surprise to everyone there. Who knew notebooks could kill people?

"Thank you! Now I can have you all to myself!" said Kira 4 (Mikami.). "Sit next to me, Kira 1!" So Light did, instantly regretting it.

"OH EM GEE!! KIRA IS SITTING NEXT TO ME!! I FEEL SO HONORED!!" Mikami yelled, going into fanboy mode. Light tried to scoot his chair away slowly but Mikami grabbed the chair and pulled it so it was right next to his. He threw a camera at Kira 3 (Higuchi.).

"TAKE A PICTURE OF ME AND KIRA!!!" he screamed. Higuchi complied, scared of what would happen if he didn't, no longer disappointed about the bitch fight, or lack of thereof, or shocked about the notebooks.

Out of nowhere, L came dashing around the corner, the task force behind him.

"L! What happened?" Light ask.

"Arrest him! He's Kira! We have the proof! Arrest them all!" L ordered the task force. Handcuffs were secured around all their hands. Light, being shoved to the ground with handcuffs digging into his wrists, was getting angry.

"Why the hell did you have tampons in your hotel bathroom!" Light yelled, asking the wrong question. He meant to say 'What?! Where's your proof?!' but he hasn't had much control over what he's been saying lately. He immediately blushed, stammering out an explanation.

"I-I, um, meant to ask some-mething else." Light said. He hung his head while his father face-palmed. "You can arrest me now." He would give anything to get out of this embarrassing situation.

"Oh," L said, looking disappointed. "Well, Kira wouldn't ask that question. I guess Light-kun isn't Kira. Huh. I thought I had it figured out." L put his thumb to his mouth again and began thinking.

"I got it! I know who Kira is!" Matsuda cried out. Everyone turned to look at him, causing him to turn a bright pink.

"Um, why is everyone staring at me? Do I have something on my face? Oh, I know! It's because I look totally hot in this agent's uniform!" He began to do a catwalk back and forth.

Ukita fell on the floor laughing- again- and Soichiro got another nosebleed... again. He pulled some tampons out of his pocket and stuffed them up his nose.

"I-I'm so-sorry! I just can't no-ot laugh when some-someone tells a ridculous lie or when I l-lie!" Ukita said as he rolled around in the grass.

Aizawa tried to flip his afro in a girl-ish fashion.

"Uh, who are you? Abraham Lincoln?" he said in a more girly tone than Misa could have. Then he tried to impersonate Abraham Lincoln, which is never a good thing. "I cannot tell a lie!"

Ukita stood up. He walked over to Aizawa and put his hand on his shoulder.

"Four score and seven years ago-" Ukita started in a bad copy of the 16th president. Aizawa stopped him by slapping his face, causing him to fall on the ground again.

L looked at Ukita, completely annoyed. "Why are you always on the ground, Ukita?"

Ukita just shrugged and got up. "I love it," he stated simply. Then added, "More than Chief Yagami loves Matsuda."

Soichiro began to blush furiously. "I do-do not l-love Ma-atsuda," he stuttered, looking down.

Ide raised his eyebrow at him. "Oh, you don't?" He then smirked and walked over to the red older man. He began to whisper something in Soichiro's ear. Mr. Yagami began to blush even more, lifting his head. His eyes grew huge. **Huge.** He started running off in the opposite direction, his face hidden.

"Yagami-san! Where are you going?" L yelled after him. As Soichiro was running, blood began trailing behind him.

"I didn't bring enough tampons!" he screamed back, turning a corner. Many passersby shot strange and confused looks in the direction he left while others just laughed.

Everyone turned to look at Matsuda, who was dragging both Misa's body and Takada's body into the trunk his car. He looked up at them.

"One. I can't help it if I'm hot. Two. I'm taking these bodies to the morgue." Then he continued pulling the dead sluts into a van.

"Of course you are. You know, Mr. Yagami will be pretty jealous of those bodies, Matsuda." said Ide, smirking. Matsuda stopped his actions and turned to Ide, pink painting his cheeks. He murmured something about not lying but we all know Matsuda is a voyeur. This wouldn't be above him.

Just then, Light coughed to get everyone's attention. I mean _everyone_.

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_**A/N:**__ Uh oh! Cliff hanger! Sort of. Does this even count as a cliff hanger? If it does, sorry. I hate them, too. Believe me.  
__Anyone catch the 'SilentReaper' comic reference?  
__**Review** please! If you review, I'll make... I'll... Well, I'll do something. Just review. You'll find out. ^-^_


	3. Meeting the Narrator, Phil, and Penny

_**A/N:** Here's the end to the cliff hanger! (If you can call it that.) Enjoy! ^-^ (Yes, I do love that smiley! It looks so cute!!)  
**Disclaimer:**  
**Me: **I don't... *Looks back with pleading eyes*  
**Government People in Suits: ***Points away*  
**Me:** *Sigh* I don't own Death Note._**

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**Third Person POV**

Just then, Light coughed to get everyone's attention. I mean _everyone_.

"Yeah, hello? Miss Narrator?" he said, looking up.

"Yes, Light?" the narrator said. It looked like Light was talking to clouds in the sky. People passing by were looking like 'O.o' and thinking, '_Why is that really hot guy talking to the sky when he could be making out with that sexy detective?'_ Yes, they were thinking just that.

Matsuda turned to them, thinking they were thinking about him. That's when he noticed they were gazing at L. He pouted. Poor Matsu.

"I thought this story was about _my _death. Nobody else's. Just about me." He looked real annoyed. Bad move, Light. Never _ever_ argue or make the narrator mad.

"Okay, Light. I just thought it would be funnier if I put _everyone_ in bad situations. But if you are so selfish that you want every bit of bad for yourself, I'll be happy to oblige."

Light gulped, looking worried. '_Dear God, what have I done?'_ Light thought.

So out of nowhere, a pink, frilly, girly dress appeared in front on Light. It was impossible to even imagine how girly the dress was. The only way to know what it looked like was to see it yourself. Just try to think of the girliest dress you know and multiply that by 89.2. That should be as close as you can get without getting blind.

Once again, a cough was heard, this time from L.

"Yes, L?" the narrator asked.

"Could you continue on with the story?" L asked, seeming impatient.

"I am sorry, L. I forgot how much you wanted to see Light in that dress."

Before L could respond, the story continued on.

Light, being controlled, began to strip. Slowly. Passing men began to whistle, pausing to see the show. Men. _Straight_ men. Yeah. Light in boxers was that hot.

Once only in boxers, Light put on the dress. He started to sing in such a high soprano that glasses broke.

In Antarctica. They were in Japan, may I remind you.

He began to skip around. At this time everyone was laughing. Even L had a hard time holding it in. No one noticed Light was skipping away. In a dress.

"I think they already knew that," said the skipping, cross-dressing teen. "I'm not a cross-dresser! And I'm only skipping because you're making me!" he yelled.

"Everyone has free will, Light," the narrator reasoned.

"Not those who are under control of the Death Note or the narrator," Light muttered under his breath.

His retort fell on deaf ears as the narrator replied, "We're here, Light."

Light looked around to see he was at a restaurant.

"Why am I here?" Light asked.

"Hey, Ryuk wrote the details, not me," he was reminded.

"You wrote the story," Light stated.

Once again, he was ignored as he walked into the restaurant. All eyes were on him. He thought it was because he was hot but didn't realize it was because of the dress. I mean, how often do you see the smartest teen in Japan walk into a restaurant wearing a dress? A _dress_.

"Must you continually emphasize the fact that I am wearing a dress?" Light asked, showing just a bit of annoyance in his tone. "A bit?"

"Yes a bit! Does the dress bother you that much?"

"Yeah, it does," Light said, sitting down at a table.

"Too bad!"

Light groaned.

"Hi, may I take your order?" the waitor said.

"Eh. Get me some coffee, I guess," Light said, not hungry.

"And for them?" he asked. Light shot the poor man a confused look. 'Phil', as his name tag read, pointed to the seat opposing Light. Light looked at the _empty_ seat, then to Phil.

"No one is there," Light said, wondering if they let just anybody be a waitor. Phil might be mentally insane! He could give Light a drink without any ice cubes! Light's eyes widened, thinking about ice-less drinks.

"I need ice!" Light yelled. Poor Light didn't even know he said it. He turned back to Phil, still unaware of his screaming for frozen water. "I came alone."

"Oh. I thought you had some imaginary friend there," Phil said. He scribbled something down in his waitor pad thingy and looked back to Light.

"Why the hell would you think that?" Light asked, offended.

"Well you were just talking and no one was there and I thought you had an imaginary friend. It's okay if you do, I mean. I have one, too. Her name is Penny," explained the way-too-old-for-an-imaginary-friend waitor.

"When was I talking to myself?" Light asked, getting nervous. Maybe this man had seen him talking to Ryuk once before.

"Just now."

Light thought. He was only talking to the narrator. Couldn't Phil hear the voice too?

"No! Stupid Light. I'm talking so only you can hear me right now," the narrator yelled at him. His eyes widened again.

_'Why the hell would you do that!'_ Light thought. He obviously didn't want to talk aloud again. This man already thought he was crazy.

"One, because this is a parody. Two, you _are _crazy. Have you heard your maniacal laugh? You sound like a retarded gopher. And three, I was too lazy to tell you otherwise."

_'Damn lazyness,'_ Light thought, steaming. He felt even worse because he couldn't do or say anything to me or I, being the narrator of this story, would have a reason to do whatever I wanted.

"I'm, uh, sorry. I forgot to take my medicine today. I was going to take it with my coffee, if you could hurry up with that."

Phil smiled nervously, walking away.

"Why do I always have to serve the crazies?" he asked, turning to his side. Apparently, he was talking to Penny.

Light sighed. '_Yeah, __I'm__ the crazy one.'_

"You are."

Just as Light was going to think something along the lines of '_shut up_,' he heard a voice that was coming from no one.

"At least _I_ know you're sane," the voice said. It sounded like it was coming from Phil or at least somewhere by him.

"Aw, thanks, Penn," Phil said.

Light shook his head. _'I am not crazy,' _he thought. While he was trying to convince himself that he wasn't insane, even though we all know he is, the wator came back.

In front of Light, Phil set down a nice steaming coffee, some cream and sugar, and a... wait. Is that a cup of ice? Light stared at it, confused.

"Why did you give me ice with my coffee? I didn't order ice coffee. I ordered nice, regular, steaming hot coffee. No ice required." _**(A/N: **Act now and we'll throw in this lovely sock monkey! Sorry, I just had to.^-^**)**_

"Because before you shouted out 'I need ice!' so I figured you were ordering it."

"I _thought_ that," Light argued.

_"Sure you did._ Enjoy your coffee, Crazy! Come on, Penny. Table six is waiting for their lamp soda."

_'Lamp soda? What the hell is wrong with this restaurant!'_ Light thought. He put some money on the table and left.

This time, Light actually knew where he was going. Pfft. Yeah right. Light continued walking. He hoped he would never have to go into that restaurant again. Well, he would be dead after this, so he wouldn't have to worry about that.

...

Unless the pineapples came after him again. Then he'd have to do _whatever they wanted..._

"Muahahaha!!" the narrator laughed.

And no one ever went into that resturant again, in fear of hearing random laughing like they did that night the gay boy who spoke to himself ordered coffee.

...Except the damned pineapples.  


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**_A/N:_** _Woot! What is this, the third chapter? Wow. This is the longest supposed-to-be-a-one shot I've ever written. I have no idea if there is such a thing as lamp soda so don't ask me. I just made it up. Who likes the sock monkey?! XD  
**Review** people! ^-^_


	4. Hat Wearing Birds that Stalk Raye Penber

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**A/N: **Yay! New chapter! Read on, people. Read on... and review?  
**Disclaimer: **Me no own Death Note... u.u

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**Third Person POV**

As Light continued walking down the unfamiliar path, he wondered what a lamp soda would even look like.

_'Would the glass be shaped like a lamp? Maybe it lights up!'_ Yes, the number one student in Japan actually was thinking this. As you can tell, Light really is a genius.

"BOO!" a face-less voice boomed.

"Ahh!" Light yelped. He sounded kind of like Misa. No wait. Even Misa doesn't sound that girly.

Light turned around, frantically looking for the source of the noise. His eyes landed upon none other than Ryuk. "Not funny, Ryuk."

The shinigami thought it was pretty funny. As he laughed his weird laugh, Light realized something.

"Where the hell have you been these last two chapters?" Light questioned.

"Oh well it's a long story."

Light stared down the path. There were no buildings in sight so Light figured he had time. "I don't think we're going anywhere soon."

"Well you see, I found a park by the Kira Convention. There were things that could fly! They were everywhere! I knew they weren't shinigami because they were so small. I started following one of them, to see what it was, when it started flying away. I had to chase it."

While he droned on and on, Light was thinking, _'What creature? Wait a second. He can't mean... Ryuk has to be smarter than that!'_

"It went all the way out to the ocean! I was going to follow it but then a giant squid ate it," he dead-panned. "Instead, I just sat there and watched the sunset. I called Rem and she came too. The sun made her-." Only "-eye glisten. She looked so beautiful."

After Light was done gagging at the thought of Ryuk and Rem, he focused back to the subject at hand.

"So, Ryuk, did you ever find out what the creature was?"

"Oh yeah! I went back to that park and killed one of them with my Death Note and brought it here to ask you what it was. I figured you would know." Ryuk held out a dead flying animal in front of Light's face.

"Ew!" Light screamed, falling backwards. When he stood up, he looked at the thing at a safe distance. He face-palmed.

"Ryuk."

"Uh-huh?"

"That's a bird."

"Ohhh." Ryuk threw the bird over his shoulder. It landed on Raye Penber, the not-so-inconspicuous-stalker.

"Wait a second. I thought you couldn't kill animals by writing their names in the Death Note. And what did you write as it's name anyway? Bird?" Light asked.

"You can't. I didn't _write_ _anything _in my Death Note. I just hit the bird 500 times with it until it died." Light paled. Ryuk thought he died and turned into a ghost but then remembered he wrote down more details.

"Ryuk! You-You animal abu-!" he started to scream. Then he noticed Raye Penber trying to hide behind a pole. "What are you doing?"

"Wha- huh? No! You can't see me! I'm ~invisible~!!!" Raye said, flailing his arms about.

"No your not. I can see you. You're the retard behind the pole flapping his arms everywhere," Light rudely replied.

"Oh shit, you really can see me. That means this stupid hat doesn't work." He threw off his hat. "Rip-off."

"What does your hat have to do with this?"

Raye showed Light the package his hat came in. It read:

**Invisi-Hat! Trick your family! Trick your friends! Trick your pillows! Just wear this hat and you will instantly become invisible! No batteries required! Just wear and disappear!**

For the second time today, Light face-palmed. _'What is it with parodies that make people act so stupid?'_ Obviously, Light forgot the meaning of parody.

**Parody: **_Noun._

_1. A composition that imitates somebody's style in a humorous way._

_2. Something funny._ **(A/N: **_I like the second one better. ^-^**)**_

Now that we're properly informed of the meaning, let the story continue.

Light pointed to the warning at the bottom of the package.

**Warning: This hat does not actually make you disappear. You got ripped off. Too bad. You're not getting your money back so just deal with it, Raye. Yeah, we know who you are. We're **_**your**_** stalkers. Get over the hat thing. We have -Insert name of someone you care about here- and we intend to kill -Insert name of someone you care about here- if you don't comply. Have a nice day! 8D**

_'That's one creepy smiley,' _Light thought, _really_ paying attention to Raye's dilemma.

"Oh crap! They have someone I care about and they're following me!" Raye said, before running away screaming like either a little girl or Matsuda. Light couldn't tell which was more accurate.

**Back at Raye's house**

Slamming the door behind him, Raye tried to catch his breath. He _really _hoped he got rid of his stalker. _'What kind of person stalks someone for a living!' _Raye ranted in his head. Obviously, Raye forgot how he met Light in the first place.

While walking over to the couch, Raye's house's phone rang.

"Hello?" Raye asked. All he could hear is a deep breathing. "Hellooo?" Raye tried again. He was getting nervous.

_Breathe._

...

"Hello. Can I get a pizza with peperoni?"

_'Huh?'_ Raye thought. _'Oh!'_

"Sorry. This isn't Billy's Pizza Shop. I get a lot of calls like yours. Yeah, my number is two digits different than that place."

"Oh. Sorry dude. Thanks, bye." The guy hung up.

Raye sighed, feeling very relieved. He thought that was his stalker!

He went to his bed, laying down. Somehow, he magically changed into his sleepwear without _really_ changing. In seconds, he feel asleep.

He wasn't even aware of the creepy stalker staring at him from outside his window...

**Back to Light and Ryuk**

"And that's how you can live even when someone writes your name down. Now that you know, you can survive and entertain me more!" Ryuk exclaimed.

_'There's a way to reverse it?! Why wasn't I paying attention to him instead of Raye!!'_ Light angrily thought at himself.

"Wait, what? Say that again. I didn't understand you," Light said, hoping he could trick Ryuk into telling him again.

"Hyuk, hyuk. Very funny Light. As if Japan's smartest student wouldn't understand that. Now stop playing around. I think we're here," said Ryuk.

_'Damn i-' _Light thought about not ever knowing how to live past what Ryuk wrote. His train of thought, however, stopped when he looked up and saw what the next place was.

_'Damn it.'_

**

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_**A/N:** Yay! I'm pretty sure this one counts as a cliff hanger. Sorry! You'll just have to wait to find out! So pull up a chair, catch up on the news, review a story... Please? *Holds L plushie and tries to look as cute as possible* If you won't do it for me then at least do it for the L plushie!  
__Yes, I actually looked up the word parody. The second definition is mine, though.  
__Muahaha! Raye is being stalked! Karma, Raye! Karma! Hmm. I should write a story about Raye being stalked... Should I? Check out the poll on my profile to answer!  
__The story about the bird getting eaten by a giant squid is based of this other story I made up. I could post it, but... *Looks at excuse list* a dog ate my homework. Heh, I almost typed hobo. A dog ate my hobo! XD Sorry, off topic.  
Whether Billy's Pizza Shop is a real place, I don't know. I simply made it up for the sake of the story. Maybe there is a place like that. Maybe not. Hmm.. I wonder what they sell there...  
__**Review!** You know I want you too! (Reread that again if you thought it said 'You know you want too.') XD_


	5. Mice Rapists are Attacking Light!

_**A/N: **__Elbow there! *Points to your elbow* What? It's an awesome joint! How else will you reach your nose without it? Gosh, that'd be horrible. It's like all those times your playing some video game and your nose gets itchy but you can't scratch it because your in the middle of playing. Ugh, I hate that. Isn't it awful?! Enough of my rambling on the importance of elbows. Read! (Not that anyone actually reads the Author's Note.)  
__**Disclaimer:** No own Death Note. u.u_

_**

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**_

_'Damn it.'_

Light's eye twitched as he stared at the blinking sign that might as well have read '**YOUR DOOM!**'

...

_Blink._

_..._

_Blink._

_..._

_Blink._

_..._

Gahh! It was like that stupid sign was taunting him with it's evilness!

Everyone knows those two words are evil. Well, cheese isn't really evil but the first word makes it evil. And of course Chuckie is an evil word- er, uh, name. Don't you remember that possessed doll? Light shuddered, thinking about the movie. No doubt, **Chuckie Cheeses **is probably one of the most sinister places on this planet.

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk."

_'And of course the shinigami would find my suffering entertaining.'_

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk."

UGH! _'His laugh is the __last__ thing I want to hear right now.'_

"Ryuk?" Light said through clenched teeth. He was trying his best to remain calm. As you can tell, he was failing miserably.

"Yeah, Light?"

"Shut up."

"O.o" Well, Ryuk didn't actually _say_ that but he looked like it.

Light sighed. _'Might as well get this over with.'_

He began to walk forward. He started to wonder what kind of tortures awaited him but then shuddered and did two things. First, he decided to stop imagining things. They were _way _to scary. Second he realized he'd rather be anywhere than here. Even with Misa! Wait, maybe not with _Misa..._

_Blink._

_..._

Okay, even with Misa. That's saying something.

When he walked through those double doors he was blinded by too many colours. Rubbing his eyes and regaining his sight, he saw the only thing more ugly than Ryuk. No, not Misa! It was _the mouse._ That evil, ugly, stupid, creepy, scary, hairy, smelly, mean, rude, freaky, strange, fat, damned mouse with the pedophile glint in his plastic eyes.

_'This. Is. Hell.'_ And this place _could_ be Hell. Only instead of flames there would be colourful balls and flashing lights and instead of the Devil it would be that mouse. Light began to wonder who was eviler: The Devil or the mouse? He got his answer when he saw an ugly, red beast with horns running away from the mouse, screaming in terror. _'Shit.'_

Then, the mouse looked at him. It didn't matter that the guy under the suit wore a mask. Light could _sense _the evil smile that was plastered on his face. Chuckie, as the mouse was named, pointed towards Light and motioned for him to come. Gulping, Light nervously began to walk towards the only mouse in the world that was bigger than him... Well, besides Mickey and Minnie but their cute and _not_ evil.

"Um, hello?" Light said. Chuckie knew how nervous he was. He laughed evilly, though it sounded a little muffled. Well, for one thing, it was definitely a laugh.

Light let out a little 'Eek!' when Chuckie grabbed his arm and began pulling him towards some room.

_'Oh my gosh! That evil mouse is going to rape me!'_

He struggled as much as he could. When he realized it was no use, he began screaming... like a little girl.

"Help! Call 911! I'm about to be raped by a mouse!" Needless to say, the older fathers that were there were laughing on the floor, resembling Ukita. No one moved- other than the laughing adults laughing- or helped Light.

The mouse's hand moved to cover Light's mouth but he ducked out of the way, once again screaming, only louder.

"AHH! EVIL MOUSE!!! HELP!! HE'S GOING TO-MMMM! MMHHMMM!"

The hand went over Light's mouth successfully this time, blocking his voice. He was dragged into a poorly-lit room, the mouse locking the door behind him.

Light threw himself against a wall while trying to claw out the room. The mouse turned around, staring at Light, as far as the terrified teen could tell. What he _couldn't_ see, though, was the face inside the mask that was trying his best not to laugh. When he saw the mouse shaking from laughter, he thought it was getting ready to attack him.

"AHHH! DON'T RAPE ME! I'M A VIRGIN!" These were Kira's last words before he fainted. In a closet. With a mouse who he thought was going to rape him. After admitting being a virgin even though he dated Slut and Whore- uh, I mean Misa and Takada.

The mouse sighed and left, figuring he'd come back in fifteen minutes or so when Light was awake.

Just then, Ryuk floated in through a wall. He slapped Light until he woke up.

"There you are, Light! I lost track of where you went after you met up with Matusda. Anyway, I have made a revelation while you weren't with me! Guess what!!" He began bouncing up and down.

Light rubbed his head and sat up. "What is it, Ryuk?"

"You know my laugh? Hyuk, hyuk?"

Light nodded. How could he forget the ever annoying yet original laugh.

"Well it's spelt H-Y-U-K. And my name is spelt R-Y-U-K." He seemed to stop there but Light was still confused.

"...And your point?"

Ryuk sighed, as if it were completely obvious and Light was just stupid for not getting it.

"_Ryuk_ and _Hyuk _rhyme, Light. Don't you see? It was destined for me to have this name and laugh my signature laugh! Which must mean I play a big role in the shinigami realm or human world!" Ryuk explained excitedly. Light face-palmed. His forehead was actually starting to get red.

"Ryuk. What are you and what do you own?" Light was getting annoyed with Ryuk and his stupid questions.

"Oh! Oh!! I know! Pick me, Light! Pick me!!" Ryuk yelled, waving his arm in the air like he was a kindergarten student who knew an answer to a big kid question.

Light groaned. "Yes, Ryuk?"

"I'm a shinigami and I own a silver earring."

"Um, what else?"

"Apples? No, wait. I ate those. Uh... Goth-wear?"

"Yeah. Anything else?

"Um... Oh, I know this one. Common, Ryuk! Think!" he prep-talked himself. The shinigami started thinking really hard.

"I'll give you a hint. It begins with a 'D.'"

He thunk harder.

"A dog? No. A... Dishwasher? Nuh-uh. Pie! No wait that doesn't have a 'D' in it..." Light just stared at the him.

"A dea..." Light began for him.

"An idea!"

"NO!" Light willed himself to calm down. Breathing in and out and counting to ten, he cautiously continued. "A Death Note, Ryuk."

_"Oh yeah!"_ Ryuk yelled.

"Back to the point. You own a _Death Note_," To this Ryuk nodded furiously. "And dropped it and gave it to me. By doing that, I became Kira. Then I probably affected the world more than World War II or the Ice Age." Not the movie, people. "Without you, none of this would have happened."

"Really, Light? Does that mean you think I'm," Ryuk wiped a false tear from his eye. "Special?" he finished hopefully.

"What? No, now stop interrupting me. What I was trying to say was that you did make a huge impact in the world-" _'Well, I did but I used __your__ Death ote.'_ "- already, without the need or this revelation, as you put it. And another thing. None of this has anything to do with your name or your laugh. Gosh."

Feeling like all that thinking he did was for nothing, Ryuk turned around dejectedly and began to fly out of the room. Three things happened at the same time then:

One: Ryuk turned around at hearing Light scream something.

Two: The mouse came back in.

Three: Light had his own little revelation. He also learned he should listen more.

_**

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**_

_**A/N:**__ Cliffy! I hate them, too. Sorry! But either this chapter would end here or be extremely short. And sorry for real late update! Writers celebrate Christmas, too, you know. And New Years! I'll try to write more and update faster. I have nothing against virgins so no flames about that please? I just can't imagine Light doing anything with Takada or Misa since he was just using them and any other girl because he never really liked them. Can anyone guess what Light's revelation is? Take a guess! It can't hurt!  
__PS: Leave the guess in a review...? Please??  
__Also, I don't mind if you review one chapter and not the others. Like, if you review this one to guess at the revelation but none of the others. The fact that you reviewed makes me happy enough. Plus, I like to know the names of my readers. Sometimes I read their stories and review them.  
__Speaking of reviews... Well, there's no other way to put this other than review, I guess!  
__Merry Christmas to everyone out there! And a happy New Year! 2010 already? Better make sure you write the date down correctly! ^-^_


	6. One Hot Dog, Hold the Gummy Bears

_**A/N: **__End of cliff hanger! For those of you who don't get it after reading the first sentence, Light's revelation had to do with what Ryuk said right after Light woke up. The part where he talks about Matsuda.  
__**Disclaimer: **__I do NOT own Death Note... *Takes L and runs*  
__**Government people in suit:** Hey! Get back here! Simon, get the needle!  
__**Simon:** *Gets the needle*_

**

* * *

**

**Third Person POV**

"WAIT A SECOND! RYUK, DID YOU SAY MATSUDA!" Light yelled, looking towards Ryuk.

"Hyuk, hyuk. Better not talk to me, Light. Matsuda's right there and he can't hear me."

Light's eyes widened.

_'Shit! Matsuda is here?!' _Turning to the door, Light saw Matsuda, still in the mouse suit but without the head on, staring quizzically at Light.

"Uh, Light? Who's Ryuk? You're not... you're not talking to yourself again, are you, Light? Oh gosh. Now we have to find _another _psychiatrist. Geeze, Light. Why do you have to be so crazy?" Matsuda said, looking worried and stressed at the same time.

"I'm crazy? Look at you! Why the hell are you wearing a mouse suit?"

"Oh, uh, this... Um..." Matsuda said, trying to think of something. "Oh! L made me wear it to keep an eye on you. He still thinks you might have something to do with Kira," Matsuda lied. Unfortunately for him, Light could see right through it.

"L made you get a job at **Chuckie Cheeses **so you can make sure I'm not Kira even though all the killings stopped right after Misa died?"

Matsuda gasped. "Misa's Kira?!"

Light face-palmed.

"No, Matsuda. _I'm Kira,_" he said sarcastically.

"I knew it! So L was right all along." Matsuda took out some handcuffs he had _**(A/N:** Somewhere.**) **_in his mouse suit and arrested Light.

"Wait, what?! Matsuda I was joking!" Light screamed. _'After all this I'm __still__ going to be arrested?!'_

"Hyuk, this is fun. This is a fun time," Ryuk said. He really had to stop watching _iCarly_ so late into the night, no matter _how_ bored he was.

"Yeah, yeah. That's just what Kira would sa..." Matsuda trailed off, his eyes becoming bigger than his face. _**(A/N: **I don't know how that's possible! It just is!**)**_

"Oh my gosh! Light, you're Kira! Ahhh! Don't kill me!!" Matsuda shouted before running away from Light. Too bad for Matsu that the door was close. He ran into the door, fainting on the floor.

"Thank goodness he only cuffed one hand." Light said, taking a bobby pin out of Matsuda's hair and sticking it into the lock. Heh, it had Hello Kitty (C) on it...

_Click!_

Light rubbed his wrist. "Come on, Ryuk. Let's get out of here before he wakes up."

Light ran out of the room, _opening the door first. _He learned his lesson from Matsuda.

"Huh?" Matsuda said, sitting up. He groaned, remembering Light's words before he left. "Who's Ryuk?!" he shouted at no one in particular.

He calmly walked out of the room, feeling for a bump on his head.

"Ouch." He winced. Then he heard the sound of something metal dropping on the floor. Matsuda looked up to see a bunch of little kids staring at him like he was King Kong.

"What?" he asked.

"AHHH SOMETHING HAPPENED TO CHUCKIE'S HEAD!!!" One of them yelled before the entire flock started running around, screaming. They piled on top of Matsuda, white foam coming from their mouths. The last thing the poor agent could see was a bunch of colourful balls before everything went black once more.

**Back to Ryuk and Light**

"And that's how you can get the same super power's as Batman!" Ryuk said excitedly.

_'Huh? You know, I should start listening to him more... Wait a second!'_

"Ryuk, Batman doesn't have any superpowers!"

"He doesn't?"

"No!"

"But then how does he fly?!" Ryuk said, obviously upset. It was like telling a little five year old that the tooth fairy isn't real and that the parent's just take your teeth to make their own dentures when they get old and wrinkly.

"I don't know. He's jumped from _buildings_ and survived."

"Light?" Ryuk asked sadly.

"Yeah, Ryuk?"

"Why does he hate penguins so much?" he asked sadly.

"I don't know, Ryuk." Light sighed. "I just don't know."

Ryuk sighed along with him.

"Where are we going anyway?" Light asked impatiently, switching from sad to annoyed in less than a second while Ryuk's demeanor changed from gloomy to cheerful.

"To get hot dogs!" Ryuk said happily.

"I thought shinigami only ate human world apples?"

"Hello! Didn't you see Sidoh?" Ryuk said, before chuckling.

"What's so funny?"

"Hello and Sidoh rhymes. Hyuk, hyuk."

Light groaned. _'What's up with Ryuk and all his rhyming-ness!'_

"Here we are! Oh! Look! There's L!" Ryuk pointed to were L sat.

Light spotted L waving at him. He held up one finger before going to the hot dog man and ordering one with ketchup.

"Hey, L. Since when do you eat hot dogs?" Light said before sitting down at the same bench as L.

"Hello, Light-kun. I do not." He pulled a bag of gummy bears from next to him. "Watari told me I was too pale and needed to get out more." L put a couple in his mouth before staring at Light's hot dog.

_'Hmm...'_ L thought, getting an idea worthy of an evil smirk.

"Light-kun, look!" L yelled, pointing in the distance. "It's Miley Cyrus!"

"Miley Cyrus?! I love her!" Light exclaimed before looking for the star. L snickered before putting some gummy bears in Light's hot dog, hiding them in the ketchup.

"I don't see her." Light complained.

"My mistake, Light-kun. That was not her."

"Ohh," Light whined. "And I really wanted her to sing 'The Best of Both Worlds' for me."

L grabbed Light's wrist. _'Huh? What's he doing?'_ Light thought. _'Shit, I hope he doesn't find that bit of Death Note in there!' _He noticed L was only looking at his watch and relaxed.

"I apologize, Light-kun. It seems I am running late. Goodbye," L lied before sticking his feet in his shoes and walking off.

"Bye, L."

Once out of sight, L ran back to where Light was, only he made sure Light didn't see him by hiding behind trees and bushes.

Light took a bite out of his hot dog, L watching him.

"Huh? Oh! Shi-!" Light tried screaming out before standing up and trying to spit out the gummy bear that was now stuck in his throat.

People kept walking by, not paying any mind to Light.

L ran towards Light, who collasped on the floor before L would make it. L picked Light up and stood behind him, preforming the Heimlich Maneuver.

A green gummy shot out of Light's mouth. L called the hospital, demanding an ambulance. He checked to see if Light was still breathing and had a pulse.

L gasped, looking at Light. Just then, the ambulance came.

_'I always knew the green ones were evil.'_ L thought before the car's doors closed and lowering his head solemly.

Hopefully they arrived at the hospital before Light's red numbers above his head ran out. Only time could tell...

And Ryuk but L didn't know he was even there.

"Hyuk, hyuk." laughed the shinigami, his eyes glowing an evil red. "Sorry, Light. You should have gave me that apple earlier," he said, repeating his words from that first day.

**

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**

_**A/N:**__ Oh my gosh!!! Does Light survive or not? Is this the way Light is going to die? Will the next chapter be the last? Review to find out!  
__...  
__Okay, is it just me or did that sound like something you would see at the end of some soap opera for the next episode?  
__This was a long chapter so don't bug me about not updating... unless you do it in a review. Then you can bug me all you want! XD  
__There __will__ be one more chapter the __least.__ Maybe more. It depends whether I want to write things out how I originally planned or not.__  
__Review!! Maybe I'll update faster!_


	7. It's Probably the Leather

_**A/N: **__I know, I haven't updated in forever. I'm sorry! Don't hate me!! T.T So, how many people stopped reading this because of my lack of updates? I'm sorry, I really am. I had midterms this month and complete writers block. I really wanted this chapter out already on January 28 for Light's death day but I just couldn't write anything! So I'm updating today on Matt's birthday. Oh gosh, I'm just so sorry! I can't even say how undeniably sorry I am for updating this late. I. Am. Just. S__o damn sorry!__ T.T  
**Happy birthday, Matt! I love you!!**  
_**Disclaimer: **_I own Death Note no more than you, which makes both of us sad. *Cries*_

**

* * *

****  
Third Person POV**

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

L sighed, wondering if the teen before him would wake up anytime soon. The only noise in the white room was a computer screen that showed how fast Light's heart was beating.

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

He looked up to the monitor, checking to see if Light's heartbeat increased, meaning he's waking up, or if it slowed down, meaning...

L groaned. All he wanted to do was make Light's hot dog taste weird, not kill the poor teen! How was he supposed to know Light would fall unconscious and hit his head on the concrete, possibly getting a concussion?! Sure, he was trying to convict Light of being Kira only a couple days ago, but that was totally different! Even if L proved himself right and sent Kira/Light to his deathbed!

L stood up next to Light's bed. He frowned, tilting his head and staring at the unconscious teen.

_'This isn't my fault. It's not my fault that he might fall into a coma and die! This isn't my fault!!'_ L yelled loudly in his head.

"Hey, L! I hear you killed somebody! Join the club!" a blonde mafia leader called, walking into Light's room.

L sighed. "I did not kill him, Mello." He thought for a second. "Who else is in this club?"

"Me, Kira, Beyond-,"

L jerked his head toward Mello. "Beyond's in this club?!"

Kira, he could handle being in a club with. Mello, he'd just bring extra chocolate bars. But Beyond?! Beyond Birthday?! No way in Hell could L handle that.

"I am sorry, Mello, but I must decline your invitation to this club of yours."

Mello snickered, deciding not to tell L that it's just an expression. Who didn't love playing tricks on the social recluse every once in a while?

"Aw, it's okay. You'd probably just eat all our sweets."

L perked up a little. "Sweets?"

"And fruits. Mainly apples. Who knew Kira had quirks, too? You'd think the self-proclaimed 'god of the new world' would be perfect. Kind'a like Light..." Mello trailed off, letting L think.

A second before L made the connection of Light and Kira and handcuffed and arrested him while he was still in bed, Mello picked up where he left off.

"Of course, Light isn't Kira, though. Light likes potato chips, not apples." If L gathered proof, or a witness, in this case, that Light was Kira, then Mello, Matt, and Near wouldn't come into the series! And don't forget Roger! Because we all just _adore_ him.

The damn child hater...

"Yes, of course. Light-kun cannot be Kira..." L lied. He may not have evidence against Light but sometimes all you need is that gut feeling. L's head snapped up.

"Are you accusing me of being fat?!" L yelled to the ceiling.

"No! I can see your _bones._ Now shut up, L! I'm only supposed to be in the third chapter!" the narrator screamed back.

L scowled, looking back to Mello. He opened his mouth but then closed it at seeing Mello frozen and staring at the ceiling.

"L," Mello started cautiously. He looked back to L with wide eyes. "I think the ceiling just spoke to you."

He looked shocked, as if a talking roof was something unusual. Pfft, and he called L a social recluse.

L chuckled. "That was the narrator, Mello."

A look of realization made it's way on Mello's face.

"Of course! That has to be it. Thanks, L." Mello looked at him with a grateful smile. "I knew you'd be able to help me with this."

Mello stood up and started to walk out.

"What?" L said, obviously confused.

Mello chortled, sitting back in his seat. "I came here in the first place to ask you a serious question about me and Matt."

"Ah. What is your question then?"

"Well, I was on the internet reading some fanfics and almost all of the ones with me and Matt in them are yaoi lemons or fluff!"

Before Mello could continue, L stuck in the question, "What are 'yaoi lemons' and 'fluff?'"

"Yaoi lemons are two guys having sex and fluff is just cuddling or kissing or something like that. No big details."

L took a moment to think. "Fanfics." Mello nodded. "About you and Matt." Another nod. "In a relationship."

Mello nodded one more time before saying, "Yeah! They think I'm gay! I mean Matt, maybe, sure, but me? I'm a fucking Mafia leader! I blew up a building and _survived!_ If that isn't manly then I don't know what is!"

L pondered for a second, looking at Mello. "...It's probably the leather..."

Mello's face dropped. Did L just call his leather gay?

"Leather is totally _manly!"_

"...Maybe you _are_ gay."

"What are you talking about?!"

"For one, Mello, you just said 'totally.'"

Thoroughly pissed off, Mello stomped towards the door. He stopped in the doorway, turning around to face L.

"Well, they write fics about you being gay with Light!"

L fell out of his chair, stuttering out a, "W-what?!"

_"It's probably the handcuffs!" _Mello mocked before storming out of the room. Then a smack could be heard.

"Ow!" a voice came from down the hallway. Wait... Was that Matt?

"Matt! We're leaving! Get back in the car!" That was definitely Mello.

"Did you find the answer?" Matt asked worriedly. L could hear their entire conversation.

"He says it's my _leather!_ My fucking _leather!" _Mello screamed.

"I told you! Ow!" It didn't take a genius to realize Mello hit the gamer again.

"Shut _up,_ Matt! Get back in the car!"

"But I wanna see him! OW! Okay, geeze! BYE, L!" Matt yelled.

"Goodbye, Matt!" L yelled back.

He looked over to the reason he was in the hospital in the first place- Light- only to see the teen squirming a little, waking up. After all, who could sleep through Mello's yelling, comatose or not.

_**A/N: **__Heh, you all though Light would die in this chapter. Nope! He's alive. So far, at least. I've decided I'm going to write this out the way I planned. I'm sorry if you guys don't like it but this is my story so there. You want to change it, go write your own story. This one is mine. The end.  
__**On a completely different note, and attitude:  
**__I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO UPDATE! T.T After reading all the reviews so far, I wanted to change the ending and if I were to change it then this would be the last chapter. I almost wrote it but last second I changed my mind. It was late a night then. So I slept. Yeah, I'm not an insomniac like L. The next day I was stuck with writer's block. As was every day besides this one.  
__Keep in mind this is AU. That is all I'm going to say. ^-^  
__So, Mello, Matt, and Light were all in this chapter because this month had all their exact deaths- year as well- in it. In the anime, at least. Matt and Mello on January 26th. Light on January 29th. Isn't January one of the happiest months ever? T.T  
__R. I. P.  
__Mello- Mihael Keehl  
__Matt- Mail Jeevas (Who's birthday is today. We love you, Matt!)  
__Light/Kira- Light Yagami  
**Review!  
**__**A Special Thanks to: **YuzukiraBirthday actually gave me the idea for the question Mello had in this chapter from a conversation we had so I give her my thanks. She. Is. Awesome. Thanks, **YuzukiraBirthday!  
**__Once again people, review! ^-^_


	8. THEM and Fanfictiondotnet

_**A/N:** Wow. For once, I really have nothing to say up here. But, of course, that's not going to stop me from having an A/N anyways. ^-^  
**Disclaimer:** If I owned Death Note, or even a Death Note... Let's just say you should start running. Fast._

* * *

Light squirmed in bed, moaning something.

_'But what?'_ L leaned closer to listen.

"Ry-Ryuuzaki... Soda... Pandas... White polar bears...Cat...No...No! CAT!" Light shot up, making L lose balance and fall on the floor. "Ryuuzaki, why are you on the floor?"

Sure, the man had some strange quirks but laying down on the floor in a hospital?! Ryuuzaki couldn't be _that_ weird... Could he? Light pondered.

L stood up, wiping dirt of his jeans. "A better question to ask, Light-kun, would be why are you screaming about cats in your sleep?"

Light's eyes widened as he blushed. "W-what else did I say?"

Ryuuzaki wanted to smirk but held it down. Instead, he said, "You admitted to being Kira. I plan to arrest you as soon as you recover."

Light tilted his head. _'I wasn't dreaming about Kira...'_ "Ryuuzaki, that wasn't what my dream was about."

L just nodded.

After a second of thinking, Light yelled, angered, "That was one of your stupid tests again, wasn't it!?"

Letting out his smirk this time, L nodded once again. "It was."

"Ryuuzaki! I'm in a hospital because of _your_ gummy bears and you have the nerve to test me on being Kira!?"

A moment passed before L said a simple, "Yes. That is correct Light-kun. The fall doesn't seem to have done any damage to your deductive reasoning skills." Then he mumbled to himself, "Still sharp as always, Light-kun."

Light gushed, his previous attitude long gone. "Well thanks. I'm glad you think I'm smart. Coming from the greatest detective, that really means a lot to- HEY!" Light sulked, more mad at himself than L for being tricked so easy. Maybe the concrete _did_ do some damage. Light hoped not. Maybe his hair was ruined!

Eyes the size of saucers by thinking his perfect hair may be ruined, Light demanded, "Quick! Get me a mirror!!"

L just sat there. "Light-kun, I do not see why you need a mirror right this momen-."

"NOW!"

The detective sighed, standing up and walking out of the room. While he was gone, Light patted his head, trying to feel if a single hair was out of place. Out of nowhere, several girly screams could be heard and many women were running past Light's door. He paid it no mind and picked up a spoon, staring at the dispoportionate reflection.

Moments later, L returned with a...

Well, technically that _is_ a mirror...

L was carrying a rather large mirror, one that would usually be seen in a public bathroom.

"L-."

_"Ryuuzaki,_ Light-kun." L corrected.

Calming himself before speaking, Light continued. _"Ryuuzaki,_ where did you get a mirror that big?"

L rolled his eyes and put the mirror down. "One would think, Light-kun, that by the many female screams and women running down the hall that you would realize I have taken this from the ladies' restroom. Perhaps the fall _did_ do some damage afterall."

Light stared, open-mouthed, at the ridiculous man right in front of him. Couldn't L have just gotten a hand mirror? Oh, but _no._ That would've been to simple for the great _L_ to have done.

"How did you get it detached from the wall?" Light asked, stupidfied.

L shook his head disappointedly. Was Light really this stupid now? Well, he could be worse; he could be like Matsuda. L tried to imagine the hyperactive Task Force member as Kira. No, that simply wouldn't be as _fun_ as it is with Light, not to mention challenging.

He held up a screwdriver he got out of seemingly nowhere. "With this, Light-kun. It is called a screwdriver. It's purpose it to-."

"I know what a screwdriver is!" Light snapped. "Whatever, Ryuuzaki. I won't even ask why you have a screwdriver with you while at a hospital-."

"Well, you see, Light-kun, I was going to the bakery and I saw this mermaid-."

"I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW!" Light yelled.

"I believe you said that you wouldn't even ask, not that you did not want to know. The two are completely different, seeing as I could still tell you why with the first one."

"Ryuuzaki. Just give me the damn mirror."

L handed him the large and _heavy_ mirror, making Light tip over due to its weight.

_'But no. The hand mirror just just too fucking simple for L.'_ Light seethed.

No longer in his comfortable hospital bed and now on the floor, Light looked at the mirror anxiously. So far, he had yet to spot any flaws with his perfect appearance. He smiled in relief.

"Not a hair out of place," he said, more to himself than L.

"It seems Light-kun is as superficial as always."

"It seems _you_ are as odd as ever," Light retorted. "You couldn't have just gotten me a hand mirror?"

L looked around, paranoid. He leaned over to Light, whispering, "That's just what they _expect_ me to do, Light-kun."

"Who's _they_, Ryuuzaki?"

All of a sudden, two mysterious looking heads poked in the doorway, each with black hair and sunglasses. L stiffened.

"AND THAT IS WHY WHISKERS ARE IMPORTANT TO CATS," L said, loudly and suspiciously, like that's what he and Light were talking about all this time. The heads nodded to each other before disappearing once again.

Light stared at the door, mouth-dropped open and eyes making up half of his face. _'W-was that __them?__'_

Light leaned towards L. "Who were those people, Ryuuzaki?" he asked scared and worriedly.

"They," L pointed to them with a jerk of the head. "Are _them._ It's a secret organization that rules Fanfiction(dot)net. _They_ make sure no one knows too much about _them_ and that the fangirls and boys on this site remain happy, the characters doing whatever the fans write."

"What can we do to stop this madness?!"

"There is nothing we _can_ do, Light-kun. The fangirls rule this site."

"T-that's horrible!"

"It seems it has gotten worse, Light-kun. They have started to make couples of the same gender. It is called," L shuddered. "Yaoi and yuri."

Light twitched. "At-at least, _I'm_ not in one of those odd pairings, right, Ryuuzaki," he asked, just to make sure. There was no way the fangirls could make _him_, perfect Light I'm-not-a-gay Yagatonmi **(A/N: **Yes, I did that on purpose. XD**)**, _gay..._

_Could they?_

L sighed. "According to them, Light-kun, both you and I are in a couple."

"With who?!"

L dropped his head in defeat. "Each other."

Light fainted. Ryuk, in the room this whole time, was laughing his ass off.

Ryuk turned to L, trying to catch his breath. "Good job, L. Here." He handed L a bag of lollipops.

L smiled, satisfied. Sure, he probably tramatized the poor teen, but it was worth it. L stood and walked out of the room, digging in the bag and producing a lollipop.

Yum! It was strawberry flavoured!

Yes, it was most deffinitely worth it.

* * *

_**A/N:**__ I know what you're thinking. _'XD'_ What? No, I meant you were thinking, _'How can L see Ryuk?!'_ I guess you'll find out soon! ^-^ Review, people! They make me gush. ^-^  
Oh, and in case you didn't catch it, L doesn't know that any of that stuff concerning Fanfiction(dot)net and __they__ are real. Heh, he's sure in for a surprise when he finds out! ^-^ Review!!_


	9. Words are Meant to be Chosen

_**A/N:** I know, I haven't updated in forever, right? Well at least this fic is being updated faster than Revenge: Just Another Sweet L Loves, right? So be happy, throw a party, leave a review. XD  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own a lot of things. I don't own _Death Note_. I don't own _High School Musical_ or their song 'What Time is it?' And I don't own Super Mario Bros._

* * *

**Third Person POV**

L, now having left the hospital, was on his way back to headquarters. His lollipop supply was almost gone and he needed more sweets.

Upon stepping in the elevator and reaching his floor, L wondered where Misa was this entire fic. Then he chuckled at his stupidity, something that was rarely ever there.

_'Of course. How could I forget the blonde's death at the Kira convention. Odd seeing as that is one of the happiest moments of my life,'_ he thought.

L went over and sat in his chair. He took out his laptop and started to work when Aizawa and Ukita walked up to him.

"Ah, good. You two are here. Would you mind informing me of the time?" L asked.

"~What time is it! Summer time! It's our vacation~!" Ukita started singing.

Aizawa groaned. He was singing that stupid song from the movie that Matsuda made the task for watch that day, _High School Musical 2_. Aizawa pulled back his hand and slapped the back of Ukita's head, causing him to fall on the floor.

Not Ukita, Aizawa.

"Oh my gosh! Aizawa, are you all right?" Ukita stopped his singing to help pull Aizawa off the floor, along with the help of Matsuda and Ide.

"Ugh, yeah, I think so. My afro broke my fall," he said. "Damn, Ukita, your head is like a rock!"

"I have been told that before," Ukita said proudly.

Matsuda stared at him. "You've been told your head is like a rock before?"

"Well not exactly those words. My parents used to tell me I was hard-headed all the time."

L stared at all those around him. Did he really show his face to all these idiotic people that aren't even a help on the case about an evil mastermind? He sighed. "Matsuda, I require a favour."

Matsuda dropped Aizawa's head, causing him to fall again, and was instantly at L's side. "Anything, Ryuzaki! Do you want me to fight zombies?" He started punching the air. "Or-or maybe you want me to rescue a princess!" He pretended to have a sword and jabbed it all around. "Or would you like me to-."

"Matsuda, this is not Super Mario Bros. I want you, along with the rest of the Task Force, to go out and buy me cake," L interrupted.

Matsuda's face dropped, along with Aizawa's entire body this time, as many, "What?!"s and a single, "Oof!" could be heard.

Ide glanced at Matsuda before walking over to L. "Ryuzaki, you can't be serious!"

L turned his head and boredly looked at Ide. "Do I look like I'm joking?

"Well, no but-."

"It is settled then! You all shall go out and buy cake immediately."

Everyone gaped at L. Matsuda's shoulders slumped as he hung his head in defeat. "Yes, Ryuzaki," he said like a child sent to time-out.

The rest of the Task Forced followed him out, grumpily mumbling about why Ryuzaki needed about five people to go get _cake._

L sighed in peace, glad he finally had some. Now he could _think_.

Remembering what the doctors said while he left the hospital, L realised Light would be coming up the elevator any-

_Ding!_

Ah! That was probably Light! Hearing the mechanical doors open, L said, without turning around, "Welcome back, Light-kun."

Without a word, Light just walked next to Ryuzaki and outstretched his arm. He had a far-away face, like he was thinking about something and was only half there. L took his arm and slapped the handcuff back on it.

Out of no where, Light asked, "Ryuzaki?"

He paused, seeming to want an answer.

"Yes, Light-kun?" L said, still focusing on his work.

"I think I want to go to bed."

"You are not sure?"

That seemed to snap Light out of his trancelike state. "What?"

"You said you _think._ You are unsure if you wish to sleep?"

Light opened his mouth but then closed it shut. He sighed. "Whatever, Ryuzaki. I'm too tired."

"So you _do_ wish to sleep, then."

A slight throbbing pain bugged at Light's temple. "Yes, Ryuzaki. I want to sleep."

"Light-kun should learn to choose his words more carefully."

Sighing in annoyance, Light just started to walk away, allowing the chain to pull L along, who wasn't able to grab his laptop in time.

"Light-kun, you may sleep but I need my laptop to continue the case."

"No."

...What? "Excuse me?"

"Ryuzaki, I am tired. You've been on that thing too much. We both need a break."

"Light-kun, I need my-."

"Air, food, water."

...Once again, what?!

L stopped, staring at Light, who kept walking. When the chain pulled on his wrist, he turned around. Light sighed. "Air, food, water. Those are the only things you _need_ in life. The rest, laptop included, are desires."

Imagine how many fangirls, fanboys, nerds, and geeks could disagree with Light right now.

Just wanting to prove the teen wrong, L smugly let out, "And stability. Mentally, and physically."

Light's eye twitched. He just couldn't- absolutely _refused_ to believe he was paired with this- this-!

Freak!!

He sighed. What were the fangirls _thinking?_

No, more like, 'What were they smoking?'

Obviously, he never read a _crack_fic. Even if he is in one right now.

Finally, they reached their room where Light collapsed on the bed.

Crap. He died, didn't he? "Light-kun?" Mega-crap. Yep, he's dead. "Light-kun??" L asked, worry evident in his voice. Leaning down right next to his ear, L yelled, "LIGHT-KUN!"

Startled, Light fell out of the bed. "Ryuzaki, why is it that every time I'm in a bed somewhere near you I end up on the floor?"

Being the pervert that he is, L only smirked and thought of a few answers. Light blushed yelling, "Pervert!!" which only caused L to smirk even more.

"As I said, Light-kun should choose his words more carefully," he said cockily.

"And Ryuzaki should pour some bleach through his ears," Light replied before laying back on the bed, head faced down. Within minutes, he was asleep.

...

Of course, that didn't mean L was sleeping too.

No, the genius wasn't sleeping. Instead, he was doing something so evil, so sinister, something your pet bunny could only dream about. Yes, it was that evil.

He was staring at the ceiling.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Teh horror.

* * *

**_A/N:_**_ I know, it's totally evil of L to be doing a thing like that. *Sighs* But hey. Boredom gets to you sometimes.  
I forgot how to spell at the end, btw. XD If you don't understand, it's 'The horror.'  
I didn't really like _High School Musical 1, 2, _and_ 3._ Please don't randomly PM me to fangirl over it. And if you start to talk about Zac Efron, I guarantee the conversation to switch to how he and Light look like twins.  
I'm pretty sure I missed something with the 'things you need to survive' but I can't think of any.  
**Review!**_


	10. Screaming 'Genii'

Upon waking up, Light opened his eyes. He stayed still, stared at the ceiling as he saw L doing, and got lost in his thoughts for a minute or so.

Suddenly, Light shot up in the bed. "Ryuzaki, I've been thinking."

"About what, Light-kun?"

"About what you said while I was in the hospital. I've decided, if I'm going to be gay with you, then I'm going to at least be proud!"

L sighed, figuring that _now_ would be a good time to tell the teen he was lying. As he turned his head, not a word came out of his mouth. Light's was already on it.

Who knows what would've happened next. Maybe L would've kissed back. Maybe he would've pushed Light away. We would never know because during that very second Mr. Yagami walked in.

And he didn't look too good.

Soichiro fainted on the floor. L rushed up to help him, kneeling down beside the elderly man and trying to lift him on the bed. Light, however, was just sitting on said bed, completely stunned.

After a moment, Light said, "Wow, you don't taste like candy at all. More of a..." Light licked his lips. "A... a strawberry!"

"Light," L said with all the seriousness in the world.

Light started getting scared when he heard the lack of 'kun' after his name. He gulped. "Um, yeah, Ryuzaki?"

"At the hospital, I was _lying_," L all but growled out.

"Oh," Light squeaked. _'Shit. L is going to __kill__ me.'_ "Um...Oops?"

"..."

Light's heart was beating as fast as it possibly could; any faster and he would've had a heart attack!

L slowly turned to Light. The teen froze.

"L-L...?" Light said, trying to calm the detective down. The older man just stood up, straightening out his back and standing a full foot above Light.

_'Shit.'_ Light couldn't think of a time he was more scared than he was now. "Uh... L...?"

L slowly stalked towards him with a glare that could melt the sun.

No, not an iceberg. It'd melt the _sun._ That's how heated his glare was.

As L took more and more steps towards the teen while said teen's mind was going crazy in a mental frenzy, trying to find a way to get out of this situation alive.

Finally, the genuis had a brilliant idea, one that only someone with his IQ could think of:

_'Run. Like Hell.'_

He dashed for the door, tripping before he could reach it.

L ran after him, diving for the teen and grabbing his ankle, causing Light to fall forward.

Light scrambled, kicking at L's hand and jumping back up on his feet. L stayed on the floor, cradling his hurt hand, as Light tried to run again.

Unfortunately, the genuis' plan turned to be a failure. He could be more than seven or so feet before the handcuffs bit at his wrist and yanked him back on the floor, falling on his behind. His eyes widened and he sat still. He forgot about the chain.

_'Shit. How the Hell am I supposed to get away from L?!'_

He stood up, backing away from L, who stood up again, and tried getting as far away from him as the chain would allow.

L dashed towards Light, who ran to the door. Making sure not to run too fast- otherwise he'd fall again- or too slow- otherwise L would catch him- Light kept on going, running throughout the entire building.

The elevator dinged and Matsuda and the rest of the Task Force took a step out of it.

"We got cake!" Matsuda cheered. He dropped the box and the cake fell out when he saw the two genii running around. He came to the conclusion that only he and Misa could come to. "Are you two playing 'Duck, Duck, Goose?!?' I wanna play!"

However, L stopped chasing Light around the desk when he saw the cake fall to the floor. Light ended up running in a full circle around the desk and hitting L in the back, falling on his butt again.

With sad, shining eyes, L walked over to the cake, dragging Light back around desk and on all over the floor.

Light pouted, crossing his arms. He thought to himself, _'I am __not__ some toy do be dragged around on the floor! __Germs__ are on the floor!!'_

While Light was inner-ranting about the germs on his pants, L scooped up the box and put the cake back in it, trying his best to hold back tears. He stood up, holding the dear box to his chest.

At the same time, he and Light both said, "I need-!"

"I need-!"

"To go to the bathroom!" the both yelled.

Aizawa leaned over to Ide and whispered, "It's like they planned it..."

"That, or they're in some kind of manga book or anime show," Ide said back.

"Wait, what's a mango?" Matsuda said, strolling over.

Ide gawked at him. "You don't know what a _manga_ is?!"

"Isn't it a vegetable or something?"

"That's a mang_o_. And it's a fruit."

"Geeze, Matsuda," Aiwaza said. "This is why you're the idiot in the group."

Matsuda pouted. "Who died and made me the idiot?!"

"Misa died."

"Misa died?!"

"Yes, Matsuda. And that makes you the complete idiot since there is no girl idiot anymore," Ukita said, cutting in.

"... Do I get an award or something?"

"Better," Aizawa said. "You get to..." Matsuda leaned closer. "You get to make all the coffee you could ever want."

Matsuda gasped and held his hands to his face. "Really?"

"Yes."

Ide nudged Ukita. "Gee, I wish _I_ could have some coffee."

"Me too," Ukita said, playing along. "Except we're not allowed to touch Matsuda's coffee supply to make any, right guys?"

Mogi, Aizawa, and Ide nodded their heads in agreement.

"I'll make you guys coffee, then!" Matsuda offered, skipping out of the room.

Once he was out of hearing distance, the entire team bursted out into laughter, some clutching their stomachs and others on the floor.

Aizawa wiped a tear from his eye. "Ah, Matsuda always makes us feel like we're genuises, right guys?"

"Yeah. Hey, where'd L and Light go?" Ukita asked.

"To the bathroom upstairs but that's unimportant. Aizawa just said he felt like a genuis and used the word 'genuises' in the same sentence," Ide pointed out, as if the others hadn't noticed. Way to go Captain Obvious.

"What's wrong with that?" Aizawa asked, his face turning a slight red with anger.

"It's 'genii,' not 'genuises.'"

"No, it's 'genuises.' Genii sounnds weird."

"Isn't it 'Genii _sound_ weird?' 'Sound' without an 's?'" Ukita asked, once again inserting himself into the conversation.

"No, _that_ sounds weird too," Aizawa said.

"But 'genii' is plural and we wouldn't say, 'Lamps _looks_ nice.' We'd say 'Lamps _look_ nice.' Right?" Ukita explained.

Aizawa glared at the men in front of him. "I DON'T CARE! WHEN DID THIS BECOME A GRAMMAR LESSON ANYWAY?!?!"

Ide flinched. "I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU'RE SCREAMING IN MY FOOT!!"

"DON'T YOU MEAN EAR?!"

"NO, YOU'RE STILL ON THE FLOOR FROM LAUGHING!" Ide screamed back.

"WHY ARE WE STILL YELLING?!?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!!!"

The Task Force members started crying, sad that now even Watari had better hearing than them.

Matsuda walked in. "Hey guys, I got the coffee!!"

Everyone looked at him.

"WHAT?!" the yelled in unison right in the poor agent's face.

Matsud fell back on the floor, dropping the tray of coffee. "WHY ARE YOU GUYS YELLING AT ME?!"

"WE DON'T KNOW!!"


	11. Forgotten Cake Boxes

_**A/N:** Yeah, I know I haven't updated in a while. And honestly, I really hated the last chapter. I just wanted to hurry up and get a chapter out. Anyways, enjoy!  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Death Note_ or 'When the Saints Go Marching in.'_

**

* * *

****Third Person POV**

L and Light raced upstairs to the bathroom, both going to the sink. Luckily, it was a double-sink.

Light sat in the sink and started washing his germ-infested jeans and L...

L was washing his cake.

The cake box was long forgotten in the corner of the bathroom. Poor thing.

There was an awkward silence which wasn't really silent because the Task Force members were screaming downstairs and the two genii could hear ever word they sai-... yelled.

Soon the screaming stopped and became sobbing. Then it got quiet again so Light spoke. "Um... so... about the kiss..."

L stopped him with a glare. "You are never to mention that again."

Light opened his mouth but thought better of it. He lowered his head and continued to let water run on the backside of his jeans.

After several minutes of listening to water run, Light said, "So... why are you washing the cake?"

"Because it fell on the floor and is dirty," L said sharply. Light kept talking anyway.

"Just throw it out and buy a new one."

L paused in lathering the cake in soap before saying harshly, "_Never_ even _joke_ about throwing out cake."

The teen with a water-drenched butt gulped before turning away from L.

L sighed. "Why don't you just use the washing machine?"

Light stared incrediously at the panda-man. "Are... you must be kidding, right?"

The detective shook his head. "Why kid about laundry? Wouldn't such a thing be extremely important to Light-kun?"

"Y-Yeah but... a _laundry machine_?" Light shuddered.

"_Yes_, a _laundry machine_, Light-kun." Really, was it that complicated?

"No. No laundry machines, Ryuzaki."

"Why not?"

Light absently glared at the floor. "They're _evil_."

L snorted. "And I suppose dryers are sinister as well?"

"No, dryers are fine. Why would you think they're bad?"

L blinked. "Never mind, Light-kun. Why are washing machines evil?"

"... Washing machines are evil?" Light asked.

"... Yes..."

"Why? What'd they do to you?"

"... Never mind."

Light furred his eyebrows. "Tell me."

"No," L said while shaking his head.

"Tell me!" Light whined.

"No."

"Just tell me!!"

"I said 'No,' Light-kun!"

Light splashed some water at L. "Meanie."

However, L did not hear the comment. He was staring at his shirt in horror. "W-... Water... S-Shirt.... WATARI!!!" he yelled, running out of the bathroom and through the halls. Light was dragged behind him due to the handcuffs.

"WATARI! WHERE ARE YOU?! HELP! WATER ON MY SHIRT!!"

Watari suddenly appeared in a doorway with two hair-dryers. He turned them on full blast, causing L to fly through the air and Light be dragged the other way.

L was caught midair, right before he hit the wall. Light wasn't as lucky and banged his head. Hard.

"Thank you, Ryuk-san," L said, standing on the floor once more. He looked over to Light's unconscious body.

"Maybe we should pour a bucket of water on his head?" Watari suggested.

"No," L answered right away. He'd be damned if anymore shirts got wet. "He'll wake up eventually."

And so, they waited.

And waited.

And waited.

For about two minutes.

Then L said, "Oh, Watari. We're out of cake. Go buy some more, please."

Watari saluted and said "Yes," before marching out of the room.

Then he marched back in, turned on Aizawa's CD player and put on 'When the Saints Go Marching in.'

_Then_ he marched back out to go get the cake.

All the while, the cake box remained in the bathroom while the two sinks were still running.


End file.
